I started this blog a few days ago. I swore I wouldn't weigh it down with what happens when I'm in a mental health crisis, but I didn't expect it to come so fast!
It's 8AM here and I haven't been to sleep yet. I can't sleep when I'm suicidal. It is literally the only thing that is able to stop me from being tired (and that's despite my chronic fatigue syndrome). There must be something about thinking you're going to die soon that sets your body into super-alert mode.
I don't really have any good reasons for wanting to die, but I have honestly tried really hard to live. I've been chronically suicidal for over 3 years now, and I seem to spend most of my energy fighting my own brain to stay alive.
Last night, when a wave of suicidality came again, I had no resources left to fight it. I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I spent a good couple of hours sobbing incoherent pleas into my pillow (even my cat was looking at me weirdly by this point!) I got everything ready; my note, my will, the equipment, hell- I even contacted my care coordinator asking her to pick up my cat in the morning.
And yet I'm still here.
I don't know why I chickened out again. I really don't. I swear I want to die so why can't I complete the act of killing myself? All I give myself is a sodding big headache and a sore neck.
And now I've somehow got to piece myself back together again before the next wave hits.