Realising I May Never Walk Properly Again

Physio has not been working. Nothing we have tried has improved my walking, in fact, many of the exercises we’ve tried so far have made my coordination even worse.

Today, another physiotherapist visited whilst I was having my session with my usual physio. I think the visiting physio had been asked to come along because of my lack of progress. She asked me what I would like to get out of the sessions. The response seemed obvious to me- I wanted to relearn to walk. Cue awkward glances down from both physios. They gently suggested that perhaps I need to focus more on learning the new limitations of my body.

This is the first time that I’ve really realised that I may never walk properly again.

I just feel like everything I try to do fails spectacularly. I’m 22 years old, and these are the major things I’ve tried so far:

  • I studied medicine. I was attacked by a fellow student and therefore became mentally ill- had to quit the course because of this. (Ironically, my attacker will be close to graduating/becoming a doctor soon).
  • I tried to keep a job down in the medical field- my mental illness made this impossible. I had to quit my job. I got so stressed, I’d hyperventilate then pass out, then every time I woke up I’d hyperventilate and pass out again. I’m now living on disability benefits.
  • I tried writing, but my CFS/ME made this almost impossible to keep up with. I still try to write when I can (hence this blog) but it’s very limited. It doesn’t help that I’ll often dissociate when I read.
  • For more than a year, I’ve been attending a drama course. Now that I can’t walk properly, this door is clearly also closed.

As melodramatic as this sounds, in moments like this, it feels like it’s me against the world. I don’t believe in God or fate or destiny so logically I know that there’s nothing out there that’s ‘trying to get me’. Despite this, it still seems like the world shoves me back down whenever I try to achieve anything.

There’s no positive spin to this post. Life can be a real shit.

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